CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH A DIRECT REPORT?
Recently, I was asked by a first-time people manager named Lucy* whether she could remain friends with a former peer named Jane*, even though Jane now reported to her.
Lucy shared with me that she’d been promoted from among her peers a month earlier, but felt she was being somewhat undermined in her new managerial capacity by Jane. It was nothing big, but a few small slights that were getting under Lucy’s skin. Jane had arrived late to Lucy’s weekly team meeting with no explanation, she’d booked a couple of days leave before checking if it was ok, she’d become noticeably more vocal in team meetings and had spoken over the top of Lucy several times, among other things.
Lucy felt that Jane was taking liberties because of their friendship, but felt very uncomfortable at the thought of addressing her behaviour directly, given their history as friends and peers. Deep down, Lucy also wondered whether she was being overly sensitive and externalising her own insecurities, which had been stirred by the promotion.
After quite a bit of back and forth, we discussed strategies that Lucy could employ to improve her situation.
HAVE AN HONEST CONVERSATION
Ignoring an issue like this only serves to exacerbate the problem. As the manager, it encourages you to be hyper-sensitive to your direct report’s behaviour, to look for evidence to support the conspiracy theories running around in your head, and to take their behaviour very personally. It also serves to intensify any insecurities that you may have.
For your direct report, ignoring the issue means that you are legitimizing and even reinforcing their behaviour which, of course, makes it much more difficult to address in the future. After all, as a manager, you get exactly the behaviour you tolerate.
In the event that you are still trying to avoid this conversation, understand that when other team members know that you and a direct report are friends, not addressing their poor performance or behavior will likely be seen as favouritism, and that serves neither of you, your team or your culture.
As a first step, I encouraged Lucy to have an honest conversation with Jane about their new professional situation; to sit in the discomfort of the conversation, to show vulnerability, and to assume a noble intention in Jane. Specifically, I encouraged her to;
- Ask Jane how she felt about their changed circumstances, and whether she wanted to maintain their friendship.
- Share how she felt compromised in the role of Jane’s boss, whenever Jane behaved in a manner that was inconsistent with how she had behaved with their previous boss.
- Discuss how the team were likely to be watching their interactions for signs of favouritism and that, if anything, Lucy had to hold Jane to an even higher standard than other team members.
I suggested to Lucy that if Jane responded defensively, then their friendship was likely unsustainable and she should focus her energy on being a good boss. On the other hand, if Jane responded well to this conversation, I recommended that she schedule a second conversation where they could openly discuss what they would need from each other moving forward, in order to balance their friendship with their professional situation.
BE A ROLE MODEL FIRST
As a die-hard Liverpool FC supporter, it genuinely pains me to tell a positive story about Manchester United, but good leadership is good leadership. Since the retirement of legendary manager Sir Alex Ferguson in 2013 after 27 years in charge, United have gone through five permanent managers (and two caretaker managers) in the quest to recapture their glory years. Before the current Premier League season kicked-off, United appointed their sixth permanent manager in nine years; a low-key Dutchman named Erik ten Hag.
After an opening day 2-1 defeat to unfancied Brighton, United were humiliated 4-0 in their second fixture by relegation battlers Brentford; not the start ten Hag was looking for, especially as he tried to win over long-suffering supporters and a dressing room full of very big egos. When analysing the Brentford match later that evening, one statistic infuriated ten Hag. Collectively, his team had run an astonishing 13.8km less than the Brentford players; a measure that perfectly captured the lack of desire and commitment he had observed during the match.
Much to the annoyance of his superstar squad, ten Hag cancelled their following day off and ordered them to report to the club’s training ground for an ‘extra special’ training session. It was then he informed the team that they would be running exactly 13.8km together, in scorching 33-degree heat no less. Pretty clever so far, but the real stroke of leadership genius was to share the responsibility for the loss with his players and go on the run with them. Club insiders reported that the 52-year-old Dutchman was left physically shattered by the run, but his actions made a deep impression on his players. Unfortunately for me, United beat Liverpool the following week in a big upset, and went on to win four Premier League matches in a row following the Brentford debacle.
First-time managers like Lucy can sometimes confuse positional authority with leadership, but being the boss doesn’t necessarily translate to real influence on others. I shared with Lucy that the best way to get what she needs from Jane, and her other team members, is to model the very behaviours she expects from them; to be on time for meetings, to listen more than she talks, to be open, humble and vulnerable, to be a ‘learn it all’ rather than a ‘know it all’, to try and perfect her craft rather than try and project perfection.
When you are a role model for what you expect of others, you earn a level of leadership legitimacy that far surpasses your positional authority.
EMPLOY A LITMUS TEST
No matter the specific details of your manager-direct report situation, there is a simple litmus test that you can reflect on, in order to determine the likely outcome for your friendship;
- Would you be willing and able to hold your friend accountable for underperformance or counsel them for poor behavior, without fear or favour?
- If yes, would your friend respond constructively to such an intervention?
If the answer to both of these questions is “yes”, then it’s very possible – even likely – that you could maintain your friendship irrespective of professional hierarchy. In fact, I know of some manager-direct report friendships that have endured for decades, across multiple organisations. The secret sauce is that they can, and often do, wholeheartedly answer “yes” to both of these questions.
Conversely, if the answer to either of these questions is “no”, then there’s very little chance that you can be both a friend and a boss to your direct report. In my experience, these friendships usually end in tears and recriminations.
Whether you’re a first-time manager or a seasoned people leader, balancing your managerial responsibilities with personal friendships is a highly complex, fraught and delicate endeavour. I hope this blog will help you to navigate these situations confidently and constructively.
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*Names have been changed